I promised myself this will be short (by my standards.)
After a bout of nice, redemptive, Minot weather, I found internal peace that our Xth BOP had been denied. But it wasn’t. And the past few days, I have been overwhelmed with the reality that on my 3rd year since leaving Pennsylvania, we are leaving the place I set out to make home.
Not every day has been easy here. I showed up a blank slate to a life my husband had already known for 5 years. People were leaving as I was unpacking. I literally could not find a job without insulting pay. Some people, spontaneously decided they didn’t like me–with no rhyme or reason given. No fallout, no fight, nothing. And damn it, I like to pretend I’m Strong Black Woman all the time, but that shit hurt. That got to me more than -30F. I’m getting better about it–maybe I’m just getting older.
But so much good happened. I refused to believe “that’s just how Minot is.” I got married. Discovered so much of a place people thought I should hate. Had my daughter. Adopted a cat. I inched closer to my degree. This time next year, I’m graduating and finishing what I started 10 years ago ( I call it Van Wilder Syndrome). I started this highly neglected blog. I survived my husband’s deployment, and returned to Minot as a Zumba® Instructor. I’ve met so many people, who I seriously wish I had taken the time to know better, and will miss in so many ways.
But this is it. This is that life. Gam Zu L’Tovah, is my favorite Jewish proverb. This, too is for the good. Permanence is not in the cards for us, and that’s okay. After all, the impermanence of this life brought me home to end an estrangement from my Grandfather before he died.
I just have to let it be. I haven’t been teaching Zumba for long, but I am happy for the small crowd I have brought joy. I don’t fear being replaced–I’m happy to be! I only wish everyone here the best that they deserve; a place/space where they have as much or more fun than they ever had with me.
Letting go of permanence is a funny thing. Let the military take us where it wants us to go, and embrace it. It just so happened it was Minot for 3 years, and 8 years for my husband. Enjoy the people you have met, keep them in your life if you can, let them go if you can’t. Always choose fondness: the beautiful and unforgettable summers, the Northern Lights, and the endless prairie. The people who were kind–even if it was only once. Even if you don’t talk to them anymore. Even if they pissed you off! Remember them.
I live by my merits; let go, and let God. I can’t control how others feel about Minot. I can’t control how they feel about me, and maybe it isn’t about me all the time. I can be kind, I can be my best self, but I have learned here to be happy with who I am regardless. I’ve learned my friends everywhere still matter, as long as I remind them that they do. I’ve learned to be my best ally on a tough day. To reach out when I need help. If someone is unkind without reason, I need to rest knowing the reason is theirs, not mine to bear.
But this is it. I’m extremely anxious and excited for our next fast moving chapter. But this, too, is for the best.